Hot chocolate and an absence of chocolate cake

Location: Cafe Leoni, Wood Street, Stratford-upon-Avon

Website: http://www.loveyourdarkside.com/
Date: 24 July 2009

Details: Skinny hot chocolate with a (free) Belgian chocolate

Notes: A new cafe to try! The frontage proclaims their subtitle: 'Love your dark side'. Sounds promising: conjures up images of dark chocolate, exoticism and kinkiness. Instead, we got run-of-the-mill old-fashioned Belgian chocolates, chaotic service and wipe-clean squashy furniture. What a let-down.

We arrived on a weekday lunchtime. You'd be forgiven for thinking you were in Caffé Nero - the fridge cabinets near the door and the stock in them look almost identical to Nero. We scanned the cabinets for chocolate cake. Nothing. A fruity slice thing, some calorific dry-looking muffins, the odd cookie. This is a chocolate cafe, where are the chocolate confections? Cake, cheesecake, pastries, we're not fussy, anything chocolate-y will do. Surely that's not too high an expectation? Still, we were promised a "free chocolate with every drink" so at least we'd get a fix.

Crest-fallen at the lack of cake, we ordered our drinks, impressed by the nifty Argos-style ordering system which appears a screen high on the wall. Very clever. But too high for the counter operators to read it - they had to crane their heads back like that cartoon bloke in the Reach toothpaste adverts ('flip-top-head'). It's a Health and Safety disaster waiting to happen. Unlike Argos, sadly the computer system doesn't tell you, "Skinny mocha, to your collection point please".

The novelty of the screen distracts the customer from the lack of space by the counter. My companion and I are slight and fitted in OK but anyone of a more comfortable build, carrying bags or trailing children might suffer a bout of claustrophobic just ordering in Leoni. I had to be careful not to knock stuff of the shelves behind me with my bag so excited flailing must be kept to a minimum.

Despite being the only people in the queue, one of our two drinks was forgotten. Our drinks were slung onto a tray. Where was the 'free' chocolate, as advertised? "Oh, we've run out." So what's that in your fully-stocked chocolate cabinet to my left? "Oh. Yeah..." Eventually, we were given a chocolate roll thing in a petit-four case. And what sort of chocolate is this, we enquired politely. "Oh, err, I don't know". The operator consulted two further members of staff and no-one knew. Perhaps look at the box from which you have removed it, perchance the name is upon it? Hopefully the staff will eventually get over the brain-taxing complexity of coping with customers and serving cuppas and manage to regain their intelligence.

The bizarre squidgy wipe-clean furniture was unpleasant to sit in (the upstairs benches are too low for the tables - I tried a bench and was 2ft below my petite companion; I gave up and we sat side by side instead). Children were bouncing and climbing like they were in a soft-play area. How lovely for them! How vexing for the rest of us! 'Love your dark side' suggests something adult about the cafe so doesn't seem appropriate to have toddlers everywhere.

We saw several people going back to the counter to complain that their cups were not full enough of actual drink, just full of froth. Hidden under our froth, we were astonished to discover that our drinks were actually rather good. Despite the skinny milk, our chocolate and mocha were rich and creamy with the right amount of sweetness. I would normally be suspicious that they'd snuck in semi milk instead but I saw it go straight from the red-topped bottle into the steamer container.

I tentatively poked at the free chocolate with a wooden stirrer stick and sliced it in half. We peered at it, still unsure what it might contain. A tiny mouthful confirmed it was incredibly rich, very heavy on the dark cocoa and the kind of chocolate that is best eaten in tiny nibbles to avoid claggy-mouthed death-by-chocolate. Cake goes far better with a hot drink. Cuppasandcakes not cuppasandchocolate. Maybe Cafe Leoni could offer a 'free chocolate fondant fancy' instead?

Finally, a question: With society's current trend towards sourcing local, why would you open a business selling Belgian choclate?! Warwickshire has many wonderful artisan chocolatiers and Cadbury is on our doorstep. So much for 'eat local'.
Good luck Cafe Leoni but something tells me you won't last long if you don't revise your business plan.

Update: December 2009 - this Cafe Leoni has closed down. (I am pulling a suitably smug told-ya-so face.)